you'll never see me cry

Thursday, July 8, 2010

anand manirajan.

the reason i wake up everyday with a smile on my face.

till today, i'm thankful to have been so free on new yr's eve

& have been bothered to come online and chat with you. hehe.

i know i was very difficult to deal with at the beginning.

the whole i-only-wanna-be-friends thing. haha.

well, i guess i was just afraid to trust someone again.

to be able to give my heart to you, a very big deal.

to me atleast.

i didnt suffer from a very bad r/s in e past.

but i was deeply hurt & affected by the whole episode.

it took me a long time to get over it

& you gave me all the strength to move on.

i give you all the credit, love. =)

haha, i still rmb the long smses you used to send.

scolding me 'bout brooding over the past.

whining over how my words and actions that dnt seem to reflect the same meaning.

i knew that every word you said was true, but yet

i let myself be in a state of denial.

falling in love with you, was the best thing that has happened to me all year.

perhaps, all my life.

i thank you today, for waking me up from my state of denial.

for not giving up on me from day one.
for taking care of me, like a princess

for accepting me for who i am.

but mostly, for loving me unconditionally.

happy 3rd mth-sary, my blue dinosaur!

wishing us all the best for our future together.

love you with all of my heart and soul <3

{ 9:22 AM }

Thursday, July 1, 2010

six months. gone. in a blink of an eye.
2010 would probably be a year never to be forgotten.
techincally, the most useless year in my teenage life.
regrets? plenty.

i didnt work hard enough unlike the rest.
i didnt get fantastic results unlike the rest.
i didnt make it to a university unlike the rest
i didnt work after my holidays unlike the rest.
i didnt bother to have backup plans unlike the rest.
i just wasted six mths of life on outings, food & more outings.

i'm not like the rest. i didnt achieve anything unlike the rest.
why am i even comparing myself to them ?
cos that's what people do best.
judge me.

i'm not good enough cos i didnt make it to a local uni.
i'm not hardworking enough cos i didnt work during my holidays.
i'm selfish cos i spent my parents money freely.
i'm lazy cos i dont exercise after eating so much.
to summarise, im just plain useless.

it hurts. it aches all e time.
to know that i'm not the only one paying for my mistakes.
to know that i've disappointed many.
to know that i've runied multiple life opportunities.
to know that i've failed.

i'm not even allowed to speak my mind, i'll be accused of being whiny.

cos i'm the cause of my failure.

who am i to say anything ?

the past month has been hard.

many sleepless nights.

random bursts of tears.

family. friends. boyfriend.

so many people in my life.

and yet, i feel alone.

a strong sense of loneliness.

i've given up trying to explain myself.

maybe i'm better off faking a smile.

cos no one seems to understand.

maybe i'll just hide in this shell for a little longer.

it beats trying to act like life's good.

cos it isnt. not anymore.

everything happens for a reason.

i really hope there's a good reason for this.

{ 9:49 AM }