you'll never see me cry

Thursday, July 1, 2010

six months. gone. in a blink of an eye.
2010 would probably be a year never to be forgotten.
techincally, the most useless year in my teenage life.
regrets? plenty.

i didnt work hard enough unlike the rest.
i didnt get fantastic results unlike the rest.
i didnt make it to a university unlike the rest
i didnt work after my holidays unlike the rest.
i didnt bother to have backup plans unlike the rest.
i just wasted six mths of life on outings, food & more outings.

i'm not like the rest. i didnt achieve anything unlike the rest.
why am i even comparing myself to them ?
cos that's what people do best.
judge me.

i'm not good enough cos i didnt make it to a local uni.
i'm not hardworking enough cos i didnt work during my holidays.
i'm selfish cos i spent my parents money freely.
i'm lazy cos i dont exercise after eating so much.
to summarise, im just plain useless.

it hurts. it aches all e time.
to know that i'm not the only one paying for my mistakes.
to know that i've disappointed many.
to know that i've runied multiple life opportunities.
to know that i've failed.

i'm not even allowed to speak my mind, i'll be accused of being whiny.

cos i'm the cause of my failure.

who am i to say anything ?

the past month has been hard.

many sleepless nights.

random bursts of tears.

family. friends. boyfriend.

so many people in my life.

and yet, i feel alone.

a strong sense of loneliness.

i've given up trying to explain myself.

maybe i'm better off faking a smile.

cos no one seems to understand.

maybe i'll just hide in this shell for a little longer.

it beats trying to act like life's good.

cos it isnt. not anymore.

everything happens for a reason.

i really hope there's a good reason for this.

{ 9:49 AM }